im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
