omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
