dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
