Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
