she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
