he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
