The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You peed on a flamingo?!?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
