I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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