I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
