ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
