we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
