Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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