so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
