The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
