remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize