Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
