You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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