I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
