I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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