I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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