My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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