I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
