is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
