ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
