I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
two words: eviction party
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
