wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
