i would punch a child for taco bell
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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