This beer is not sobering me up at all
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
you had me at cake vodka
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
