saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
