the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
