your room smells of hookers.
And success
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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