it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
