We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I would ride that face into the sunset
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
