By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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