You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
