she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
