She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
