God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
