How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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