Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I think i peed on brittanys purse
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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