im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
