Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
me + whiskey = a bad person
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
