i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
