sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
