Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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