Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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