you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
