Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
