Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
