is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My hand turned me down
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
