This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
