Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
