Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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