dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
