Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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