Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize