He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
where are my eyebrows?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
