Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
