things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
