This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
