Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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