My friends, they love my intelligence
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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